And so here I am. Doing the thing that I’ve been afraid to do for awhile. It sounds silly and trivial but for a year or two, or six, whatever, I’ve been telling myself that I don’t know how to do this anymore. And by “this” I mean writing a blog post for the sake of writing, sharing my immature silly thoughts, writing like I used to like it was my girlfriend on the other side of the screen. I used to make myself laugh out loud while I’d write. I couldn’t wait to sit down and just release all of my thoughts and feelings every evening, wondering where my brain and fingers would go, wondering how long it would take for my husband or dad to tell me after hitting publish “do you really think you should say that?!’ Yes, yes I should. I don’t even think those two men read this blog anymore, THAT’S HOW BORING MY WORDS HAVE BECOME, NO MODERATION NECESSARY.
Right now with all that is going on in the world, I’ve been given the gift of extra time. I no longer have an excuse as to why I can’t do what I used to do and love. Does this sound familiar to you? You’ve been presented with the opportunity to have to get honest with yourself of why you have been avoiding things that you told yourself before “you were avoiding because you didn’t have the time to do.” Organizing your basement is a different story. Don’t tempt yourself that you should do that now. You shouldn’t. It’s not fun, I can testify. Anyhow, because of this I’ve been having to get deeper with myself about why I have been avoiding showing up here in an un-planned, un-edited, way.
Every once in awhile I get lost in the archives from 2011 – 2014 and I miss desperately the person that was on the other side of the screen. I read it almost like I’m reading a stranger’s words, telling myself “you don’t even know who that person is anymore, you don’t know how to be funny, you’ve lost your spontaneous quirky ways, you run a business now that you have a responsibility to, writing about how you ate too much chicken fried rice last night doesn’t turn a profit, you have to be careful about what you say because your audience is bigger and you don’t want to upset anybody, your audience only wants to know about what you’re wearing and whether or not it’s on sale, YOU CAN’T DO THIS.”
Gosh my inner voices are annoying, wine can’t even shut ’em up anymore. Long story short, I’ve gotten to the heart [and the fear] of the matter and it’s just that – I have a fear of trying to do what I once loved here because I don’t believe I can. So how about we kick those thoughts in the crotch, yes? Yes. Dang it just felt good to write crotch on my blog. WELCOME BACK.
Long story short, I’m vowing to myself [and now to you so help a girl out and keep me accountable because I suck at vows, it is literally a miracle that I’m still married] that I’m going to actively practice creative writing over the next 30 days to simply re-teach myself how to do this. Some days I might hit publish, some days I might keep it saved as a draft, but the important thing in this equation is that I AM DOING IT. Fear doesn’t hold a candle to action [unless it’s a really, really, really good smelling candle that might distract you away from doing the thing in which case, fear does hold a candle to it]. Things might get weird and I hope they do. I’ll know we’re on the right track again when that day comes…