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Awkward & Awesome Thursdays: Volume Number I Forget

March 24, 2011


Erin Schrader

So here’s the good word:  I need to apologize to all of your eyeballs, brains, and attention spans.  I was reading my blog post last Thursday and had trouble paying attention half way through. That puppy was long. And I mean waaaaaaaaay long. I am going to assume that all of you are as ADD as I am and make the executive decision to shorten these suckers. Capice? For those of you like me, you would have no idea what word that is unless it’s spelled out as it would be announced. Ka-Peesh-which is Italian for understanding. I knew you were all hoping to have an Italian lesson today. Good thing I listened to my instincts and gave you one.
K, now seriously, onto the point of this post.
1.       All this talk about ADD brings me to my first awkward point. My lack of focus. I can’t stay on one screen for more than 20 seconds at work, so I am constantly clicking between the 8 different programs I have open. Open, minimize, open, close, etc. This causes me to get nauseous. Nauseous to the point where I have to turn my chair around and stare at a blank wall for a period of time. No joke. Spend a day in my cubicle; we could have a puking rally together.
2. So I’m minding my own business, grilling some burgers outside and I notice my neighbor is in our front yard. Jumping back and forth, arms out, palms up (think basketball drill) trying to snatch his dog. This was not a quick thing either. It lasted minutes, and more minutes. I didn’t know what to do so I went into my house, laughed in my kitchen, and came back out to the grill. Only to find him still pouncing around my yard. We didn’t speak, just did the head nod. And I stared-not a little, but a lot. And managed to discreetly giggle during the whole episode. He might’ve been under the age of 10, but still people, it was awkward. That or I’m immature and laugh at a little boy chasing his dog in my yard..hmmm?
3. Bloody noses. Especially when you just start a new job and are in a one-on-one training session with somebody and it starts gushing out of nowhere, causing the trainer to have a mild freakout session with you and shoo you away to the bathroom to get washed up. I mean can you imagine how embarrassing that would be? I can.
4. Being all clever and dropping some serious movie lingo with “You got it Clark” (think Christmas Vacation, Clark Griswold) to somebody over the phone and they respond with dead silence. “Uuuhh, do you not know what I am talking about?” “Nope, no clue.” Then having to hash out why you just called them Clark and not their real name. Fyi-if I ever call you Clark, amuse me and just go with it. Thanks.
5. Walking into a public bathroom stall to find the toilet seat already perfectly lined with toilet paper for your sitting pleasure. Probably more awkward is the fact that I thought somebody purposely did this for me (because clearly they would know that I am going to be the next one to walk into that stall) so I say out loud “Auww..that was sweet.” After speaking the words, I realized this was not intended for me & that I probably did not want to sit on this leftover paper.
6. Talking to a member (lingo for customer) on the phone and out of nowhere the gentleman says “You have a beautiful talking voice…are you married?” I dumbly responded with Yes. Why do I not think of more clever responses in situations like these? “No I am not married and I am so glad you asked-I think your voice is pretty hot too, wanna get hitched?” would’ve been way more fun. More awkward is that he was at the BMV sitting smack dab in front of a woman who was helping him. You didn’t just creep her out 100% or anything buddy, good work.
7. Walking along & suddenly thinking that you see something flying at your head. This happens to me way too often. It’s a nice mix of ducking at lightning speed with your hands covering your head and screaming all at once. Why do people always have to be around when stuff like this happens? I’m blessed to not be in a mental institute yet because of mishaps like this.
8. Opening my clemmy to find a replica of myself after sitting in the bath too long. Something in me just did not feel right about eating this.
1. The famous clearance section at Target. I scored these two babies for less than $5 total. I totally should’ve been born there. Now, that’d be awesome. Maybe not to the guests who were shopping at the moment of my birth, but to have that on my life resume..oh the possibilites.
2. 2nd ever Craft Night is tonight at my sissy’s house. I am stoked. First craft night was a little bit iffy for me since the craft being made was baby hair bows. My lack of baby is what made it iffy. Buuuut, tonight we are making this:
Thats right. I am making one of these. All I need is to place to hang it, and good news for me: I have a place to do so. I know I have bragged about my lack of creativity on here before but tonight I am bustin out of that rut. Maybe if you’re lucky I’ll post a picture. We can all get a good laugh together at how mine doesn’t look a darn thing like this picture above. Check back in a few days for that-no charge to the comedy show 🙂
3. Welp, shucks. I had the most awesome thing written here until Shawn proof-read my post and made me delete it immediately. So here sits poor number 3, lonely with no explanation behind her name. Betcha your brains are running wild trying to figure out what was so awesome that I couldn’t write about. Guess you’ll never know…hehehe. 
4. My killer workout Monday night. Running & Jillian-all in the same day. Sure, I might’ve not been able to move the past few days but it was worth it. Pretty sure my diet of Dunkin Donuts, Pizza Hut, Tacos, Hacienda chips & ranch, and Wendys kaboshed anything good I had going for me though. Ooopsie. If it just didn’t taste so good…
5. Learning something new everyday. Yesterday I learned a VIL (Very Important Lesson). Do not dance in your bathroom and decide to do a stomp move while your blow dryer’s cord is hanging out on the ground with both prongs sticking straight up at  you. Ouch. I did exactly this. Stomped onto the prong, which went in my heel, bled, and caused me tears. Hubs first reaction “Don’t cry..you just did your make-up!” What a smart cookie I got. Oh, and my calf muscles are now stronger after walking on my toes all day. Suuuh-weet. Pretty sure I get to be babied now. Meet the culprit:
6. How I sound exactly like every single singer on the radio. It’s pretty much amazing how dead on I am. Rihanna, Alanis, Zac Brown, Bruno..the list could go on & on. Guess I’m just a natural.
7. And the best for last..apparently husband is in a competition to win Husband of the Year 2011. Other husbands-sorry, but you just lost. I received my work schedule for the month of April and noticed I had 5 days off in a row. After raising my brows for a second, I ask my manager “did I tell you I need those dates off?” After his poor attempt at convincing me that I did tell him, he informed me that he was notified via my husband that I am having those days off. Word on the street is I have a surprise vaca planned. My stomach is doing flip flops right now. And no it’s not because of my diet this week, its the excitement folks. WOOOO-HOOOOOO FOR SURPRISE VACAS. K, I’ll simmer down now. Maybe.

So there you have it-my attempt to make this post shorter.
Sorry folks, guess your gonna have to start taking your ADD medication before visiting my bloggy blog. Speaking of which, I don’t know why I always call it that, but it sounds much cuter in my head. And I like cute things : )
Oh and hey, if you haven’t yet-make sure and sign up for the 31 giveaway HERE. You have 4,320 minutes to get your entry in. Time is ticking…
..One last thing, if you have an awkward/awesome post today, link it up here.
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