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10 Things That I’ve Been Too Afraid To Publish Here…

December 19, 2013


Erin Schrader

I’m sure by now some of you have read through Kym’s recent post entitled “18 Things That I’ve Been Too Afraid To Publish Here..” and if you are anything like me, you left feeling refreshed and inspired to be a little more honest with yourself and your blog. Recently I found myself in a few different conversations where myself and the other person involved opened up a bit more, went deeper below the surface, and exposed more of our thoughts, struggles, and so on to each other. Somewhere during one of those conversations I stopped my friend who was talking and said something to the extent of how I so badly wish we as humans would be more open and honest with each other. Do you know how many bridges would be crossed and how much more we could all relate to each other if we allowed ourselves to not hide our “secrets” but reached out and said “me too”? We are all so much more alike than we think, we just don’t allow ourselves to get to that place with one another so often. I think the above is why blogs like Momastery are so wildly popular, we can all relate once truth is exposed and all of that “on the surface” type stuff is pushed to the side. Needless to say, I decided to come up with my own list of ten things I’ve been too afraid to publish here and so here we are, let’s do this. 

1. Adulthood is not anything like I pictured it to be. As a child things were black and white, wrong and right was easy to distinguish between, your biggest struggle was picking out what to wear. As I am now in my mid-twenties life consists of drug addictions, alcoholism, affairs, abortions, atheists, and the list goes on. Topics are so much heavier than I ever envisioned and it’s not always easy. So many times I find myself saying “is this really my life right now?!” 

2. I haven’t prayed or read my bible in months. 

3. I have harbored feelings of anger since my grandpa’s death. I have judged friends who never said they were sorry and while I know it’s not fair to them, I have. Along with that, I feel you never fully understand the emotions that go along with death until you experience it. The moment in time when you have to watch your grandma leave their now deceased husband for the first time to go to lunch with the family to discuss funeral arrangements and so on. Those few minutes are some of the most fragile I’ve ever experienced. 

4. Recently I was presented with a great opportunity but I am too afraid to say yes out of fear that I will fail. 

5. I am currently planning on getting two tattoos in the near feature. I always said I would never get a tattoo. I feel like the first one needs to be “never say never”. Mom and dad don’t freak out as of yet, chances are slim I’ll wind up in a tattoo chair anytime soon. However, never say never 😉

6. I have never felt more grateful and excited about the position I have been in life than what I feel right now, except I conceal those feelings out of fear that I will sound obnoxious or arrogant. Life right now is easy. I have the time to say yes to nearly everything I want to say yes to. I am able to keep a clean house, have dinner on the table every night, drink wine for lunch, not feel stressed out about blogging, etc. I am so so fortunate and never want to take this for granted. Thank you husband for believing in me and this crazy dream of mine. I promise to keep working hard and if I don’t, you may summon me back to a normal working life. 

7. Often I talk about my lack of desire for children. 99% of why I say these things is because I have a tremendous fear of being pregnant and giving birth. Meanwhile though I keep a mental checklist of everything I want to do someday with my child. 

8. Lately I have been struggling with my physical appearance big time. I am fed up with my hair, make-up, weight, pale skin, everything. It sounds all so shallow but it’s true. And as frustrated and as down about it as I have been, I have done nothing about it. 

9. In accordance to number 8, I won 10 pounds of beef and a peanut butter pie in a silent auction at work today. 2014 is not looking good. 

10. I often wonder if passionate, romantic, sexy, movie type marriages exist. The type where you truly can’t get enough of each other, the kind that keep you feeling the way you did within the first few weeks of the relationship, the type of love that is sung about on the radio? Is that real or is what I have real? I’m going to go ahead and put my bets on number two. But if you do have the type of relationship I just spoke of, maybe don’t tell me. I have jealousy issues when it comes to movie love. 
If you want to play along and get all honest up in here, be sure to link up over at Kym’s blog

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