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It Turns Out My Metabolism Is Slowing Down [And Other Weekend Discoveries]

July 27, 2015


Erin Schrader

Well, a couple of things to mention. 
For starters – I’m going to be that blogger that everybody hates today. The kind that posts only photos that were already posted on Instagram which I know, so annoying. You come here to see something different and then you are all like “BUT I ALREADY SAW THAT PHOTO! THIS IS SO DUMB.” I know only because I say the same thing. But here’s the real problem. My husband won’t let me buy this camera that has wifi and bluetooth capabilities. I’ve convinced myself that obviously if I had this camera I would take ALL of my photos on it (sorry iPhone) because I could instantly send whichever ones I wanted to my phone for good ole IG. But no, instead I only carry my phone with me these days meaning the only photos I have for this blog are the same ones I already used. Long story short, it’s my husbands fault that my blog now sucks. MEN. The root of all evil. 
Just kidding hunny, I love you. But seriously – I would love you more if you just bought the freaking camera for me already. Don’t make me tell these people about the birthday card that you have just sitting on the counter waiting for you to write in it to give to me. hashtag romance. 
Back to what I was talking about (I don’t even know). Oh, the weekend. It turns out when you move to the water, the only thing you do is spend time on the water. As horrible as this sounds it doesn’t really suck. However, I will say it does kinda make it hard when trying to add depth to your Instagram and/or blog posts because lets be real, how many “LOOK! A BOAT! ON THE WATER!” pictures can we tolerate? But look! Water pictures! 

Speaking of water pictures – with every new snapshot that’s taken I’m realizing that this body isn’t what it once was. And I’m not trying to get all “waaaaaaah” or anything but I mean c’mon old age. It’s like one minute I’m inhaling mac and cheese like it’s my job and my pants stay buttoned and then the next minute I’m inhaling mac and cheese like it’s my job and I can’t get my leg inside of my pants at all. Even with working out it’s getting harder to get hard. And by that I mean my muscles. Weird sentence, sorry. Anybody have any tips on what has helped keep yourself looking and feeling great in your 30’s? I need all of the help apparently because I have yet to find a thinning edit feature on any of my photo editing apps and it’s real annoying. Thanks in advance.

Thankfully I helped my cause by eating 13 mini donuts at our county fair this weekend. Have you and two girlfriends ever headed to your local county fair wearing maxi dresses to ride rides at 10 pm on a Saturday night? Well we did. And I have never felt like I was trying to pick up middle school boys more in my life. I also had a panic attack on the Ferris wheel and didn’t think I could breathe so that was awesome. Thankfully those donuts helped remind me that I was breathing as I stuffed my face into them while trying to forget I was dangling in a little cart way above the fairgrounds. Like why Ferris wheel, why? You’re existence is cruel.

At least you make for pretty photos.

Okay, I think that sums up everything I needed to say. Remember, skinny tips. Ready, set, go. If you even say “stop eating mac and cheese alongside 13 donuts” I don’t even want to hear it. I’m looking for real tips here people, not non-sense. Thank you.

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