Dear Florida Georgia Line, 

Thank you for realizing that there is more to life than cut off denim vests and wallet chains. Your halfway unbuttoned shirt on Ellen yesterday was a very modest and admirable move up in the fashion world. While you have yet to figure out that only blind people and assholes wear sunglasses inside [Bill Rancic’s words, not mine] I have faith that you will get there someday. I also appreciate that you continue to give all douche bags in America the hope that even they too can find success in this life as well. I love you BJ and Ty or whatever your names are, I really do. 

Dear Bed, 

You are my hero. The way you just sit there so perfectly every single day awaiting my arrival is really something special. You let me take advantage of you day in and day out by rolling around mindlessly regardless of how much extra emollient night cream I have on my face. You just love me for me which is really a lost art these days. Thank you for only letting me fall out of you once and allowing me to eat as many peanuts and Popsicles in there as I want. We know that I truly mean peanuts and popsicles right now bed, these other people may not. Bless their souls and their dirty minds. 

Dear Moscow Mules,

I will continue to drink you often no matter how much your glass may sweat all over the table. You worked hard to be created, I understand. It is not our job to criticize but rather delight in the perfect vodka ginger goodness that you are. Never leave my side and I’ll never leave yours. Thank you. 

Dear Etsy Shop, 

Thank you for making me realize that if a print sells it also means it has to ship which reminds me, I know nothing about shipping. Or at least I didn’t. That is until I had to go stand in the post office and look like an idiot for 25 minutes while sick last week. Thankfully they had boxes that were approximately 4 feet long which I deemed necessary for an 11×14 print. You are teaching me humility and hatred for post offices. Job well done. 

Dear John Mellencamp,

Thank you for still being cool regardless of how much you may look like a ware wolf or garden gnome in your old age. It is because of my addiction to your Pandora station that I will be seeing you tonight in concert. I can’t wait to find out more about this little ditty that Jack and Diane had. Sounds dirty. Guess we’ll find out. 

What are you thankful for today?