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Sperm, Slim Jims, And The Like.

November 5, 2013


Erin Schrader

Every once in a great while I come across a blog and I know without a shadow of a doubt that it is way better than mine. It’s one of those things that starts off like “Oh how funny–this girl is cracking me up!” and then a few seconds later I’m all “Oh shoot. She is like a lot funnier than me. My readers would be better off here. This is not good..” and then I have to deal with the whole mental debacle of if I am better off keeping the blog a secret so that nobody else realizes how much cooler it is than mine, or if I should share it with the world so they realize there are funnier bloggers out there who actually know proper grammar. See? That whole first paragraph ended up being one sentence. Certainly there should have been some periods in there but do I know for sure? No, I do not. Which is why I am just going to suck it up and share with you one of my newest favorite reads. Do yourself a favor and read this girls answers to my questions. I laughed out loud meaning you should too. And if you don’t? Well then you truly don’t have a sense of humor and need to go find one immediately. Without further ado, my little bowl licker…Dayna

You have the word sperm on your sidebar button. What other fabulous piece of advice can you give to bloggers who are looking to procreate and gain readers?

I think everyone should have sperm on their sidebar button. I mean, being on the threshold of a re-productively challenged marriage, I’d take the sperm anywhere I could get it. Well, his sperm. Not just say, random, mystery sperm. There are just some things you don’t want to fly blind on, you know? Meat and jellybeans also fall into this category.  But even those whose wombs are all the rage would surely benefit from a little sperm on the side(bar). 
Speaking of side, on to the serious one. Yes, the man who will be my husband in 3 months and 15 days went and let Dr. Dream Crusher vasectomize him four years ago. He now rues his decision with depth and conviction. PS – He’s not alone.
And so it has been foretold that we shall enter into our married lives first as lovers, then, as pincushions (our first doctor visit is documented HEREBut wait! Good news is afoot! Fertility doctors and pee sticks and ovulation predictor kits and shots in the bum will make for a mighty fun blog adventure, being sprinkled as they will between posts about ghostsconfessions to being lost and foundand all the fun crumbles of life as I live it.
Ye be warned, I take pictures of everything (keepin’ it PG-13, promise). The fertility doctor might ask me why I have a Canon DSLR camera in his/her exam room, whilst wondering silently if I should be procreating in the first place. 
So, to answer your questions, I can’t offer much in the way of wisdom on gaining babies yet, but give me 6 months and I’ll be your One Stop Procreation Station! Wait, that sounds weird. And who’s weird here? Not me. Ok maybe a little. 
As for gaining readers, I’m finding more and more, from my own experience as a blogger, that buttons are like… well, you know… and everybody’s got one, so anything you can do to make yours stand up and say “Clicketh me, and I shall take you to a magical place” is generally well-rewarded. For me, that something just happens to be sperm. Although be aware that not all bloggers are even a little bit ok with having the word “sperm” on their sidebar, so if you’re going to go controversial or graphic, have a set of tamer buttons at the ready. 
Hypothetically speaking, if you were to have a lavish giveaway in today’s post where you buy all of my readers love and adoration, what would you give away? 
Being constrained as I am by this 19th century corset also known as my wedding budget (you can read more about that here, I’m not rightly able to offer much in the way of gifting. Perhaps I could rustle up some change with which to lavish upon your readers a nice Slim Jim. Who doesn’t love a snapperiffic jerky wand? Other items in my Hypothetical Giveaway Bucket might include an oven mitt from Walmart (only if oven mitts happen to be on Rollback for that particular week), and a shiny new shoe horn. ‘Cause we’ve all struggled to properly seat our loafers at one juncture or another, have we not? 
All that said, I’ve concluded that a shoe horn and an oven mitt are not nearly as much fun to snap into, and therefore, the Slim Jim is the winner. Where’s my Rafflecopter? Hook a girl up. 
Why should my readers read your blog? No pressure or anything. 
Because The Illustrious Erin says so. You’re like a Mama Duck leading them to my blog pond. Ain’t no ducklings gonna follow a stranger duck to no strange pond. Ya feel me? No seriously, though. Life can be sweet, salty, sour, bitter and umami, sometimes all at once and that is so not delicious. But it’s life and I call it like I see it. Some days you’ll laugh with mesome days you’ll cry with me, but you’ll always get unbridled, unhinged and unfiltered me. That’s a promise. And a threat. 


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