It has been too long folks, too freaking long. I tell myself every week that I’m going to get back to writing more personal posts and back to embracing my weird, random, witty antics that make me feel free as a bird and then every week passes and it never happens. Sounds similar to married sex life, huh? The intention is there but it’s the execution that gets a little dicey. I get it. But hey, new year, new me 😉
In attempt to get my fingers a flowin’, I thought I would do one of my favorite style of posts from back in the day [we’re talkin’ circa 2014] which is just a random stream of thoughts. Some of them super profound [psych] while some of them [okay, most of them] things you probably wish you would have never read in the first place. My apologies. Here we go, a small peek inside my brain…
- The bralette that I am currently wearing is chaffing my nipples in the worst way possible. Ladies with large chests, maybe give up on the bralette dream [at least this bralette dream]. Your boobs will not fit inside of it and as much as you try and shove those things back in, by the end of the day your precious nips will be rubbed raw and you will not be a happy camper.
- Immediately following that first bullet point I thought to myself “do you ever see yourself being interviewed for another job in your life?” Because if so, maybe you should delete that bullet point. “So it seems you have talked about chaffing nipples on the internet, I don’t think you’re a suitable fit for our company…”
- I clearly don’t plan on being interviewed for another job in my life.
- What else? Oh yes, Whole 30. Here’s the deal – I started it on New Years Day. For the first four days I hated my life. We’re talking, I nearly divorced my husband because when you take chips and chocolate out of your life YOU HATE EVERYTHING [husband at the top of the list]. And then day five rolled around and I thought “okay, I can do this..I actually may be enjoying this..” And then day ten rolled around at the same time that we rolled into the Chick-fil-a drive thru and now I just have one question. Are chicken nuggets and waffle fries approved? If so, I am CRUSHING this Whole 30 thing. I’m thinking if I could just go to the bathroom it will be like it never actually entered my body and we can proceed as normal on this journey….
- Speaking of sucking royally at everything I say I am going to do, I saw something on Instagram that said “Nothing changes, if nothing changes”. Common sense obviously but a lot of truth packed in that tiny punch. I also know that this statement is 100% accurate as proven by my lack of underwear usage. By never having to change anything, nothing ever changes. But I also know by my waistline. Eat chips with microwaved melted cheese on top for breakfast and lunch, same waistline. Eat bananas with almond butter and salads and smaller waistlines. Profound truths, harder than ever habits to switch up.
- We’re leaving on a cruise soon and I am mostly excited because it means that my face will match my neck again. I understand that technically speaking you’re supposed to have “summer” and “winter” shades of foundation but that sounds like a lot of work so half of the year I look cohesive and the second half of the year I look confusing. Cheers to becoming cohesive again!
- My stocking is still hanging from the mantle full of everything that Shawn put in it….I just felt like I needed to confess that.
- I wonder what a block of cheese would taste like right now? Or an elephant ear? Or the 12 boxes of Sugarfina candy that are staring at me right now. My mouth has never salivated more than it has over the past 10 days. Moral of the story: Whole 30 makes you wet [your mouth, people].
- Does anybody else ever get a weird twitch in their ribs? My rib is going b-a-n-a-n-a-s right now.
- Is anybody else obsessed with The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel?! I’ve officially lost my virginity to watching a TV series and it’s her who took it, which if we’re being honest is the best choice of a woman to lose my TV virginity to. I love her and part of me wants to be her. If you haven’t started this series, give it a shot and be ready to get sucked in. Don’t say I didn’t warn you…
- On that note, I should probably go do something with my life [aka put under eye concealer on and change my bra]. Until next time….
*exits with a Sugarfina gummy bear in hand