I’m one of those “in the moment” type of people, but not necessarily in that good type of “in the moment” way. I more so mean, one moment I want to do this and the next moment I want to do that. Maybe a better term for this would be lack of contentment, clarity, vision, or figuring out what in the heck I want to do in this life. I think I have it all figured out and then twenty minutes later I’m all “why did I think that was a good idea?! I clearly don’t want to do that…I want to do this!” and then another twenty minutes passes by and I’ve made up my mind that I now want to do both or neither at all. Really, the only thing I am completely ever sure of is what I want to eat for my next meal and all that’s gained me is a lot of calories and empty drive thru bags #guilty.
The past few days, weeks, okay it’s been months I have felt this unsettling feeling of not having a real understanding of what I want to do be doing from a day to day basis. Do I like this whole blogging thing enough to commit my career to it? Doesn’t that seem really lonely and quiet though? Do I want to work outside of the home more? Doesn’t that seem like a lot to balance though? Should I have a baby to make things a little more clear? Worst idea ever. Is taking pictures of outfits every day for
Instagram actually fulfilling? Haven’t I always wanted to own a cute little home decor shop? Sounds expensive. Do I want to add more to my plate or take away from it? And the questions go on and on and on and on. And then I get lumps in my throat and small little tears in my eyes because IT’S ALL SO CONFUSING. And then I start to get jealous of people who have this whole thing figured out. Like maybe working a normal 40 hour job is a lot less confusing? But what about traveling and afternoons in the sun? How does that work out? I want the best of all worlds while not even knowing what the best of all worlds would actually consist of.
I’m ready to get to that point in my life where I stop questioning it all. You know, the point that I have thought for the past 10 years is right around the corner? Where I know that I am doing exactly what I should be doing, where I feel fulfilled, challenged, inspired and just sure of things. But then maybe that would be boring too because what fun is life if there isn’t an ever changing adventure attached to it?
I guess I’m writing this today not to get an answer [but I mean if you have one, I’m all ears…] but hopefully to relate to some of you who struggle with this too. To know that it’s okay that not everything is cut and dry. That it’s okay we don’t always understand our own thoughts, desires and dreams. That even if we never get to that seemingly impossible point, we are living up the highs, learning from the lows, praying through the confusion, toasting to the accomplishments and laughing through the WTFs. Oh life, you are confusing to me but I sure do love the heck out of you. To whatever is next…
ps. the amount of I’s in this post is disturbing. maybe that’s my first problem, turn away from yourself Erin…noted.
