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Heavy Heart.

April 30, 2012


Erin Schrader

Let’s just shoot it straight today.
Dear Erin is not happening right now.
I know I said it was going to be every other Tuesday, however it is now going to be
“Any Tuesday that I actually feel like doing it..”
This means it could happen next week, next month, or next year.
It all depends on what my Monday night holds of that week.
And right now my Monday night is holdin’ a bible study that does a pretty good job of consuming my entire evening.

Aside from being pre-occupied physically, I am also feeling pre-occupied mentally.
Sometimes it is hard to be funny, cheery, and lets face it– meaningless, when there are heavy/hard things happening around you.

Tuesday morning a good family friend of ours is going into surgery to have a large brain tumor and aneurysm removed that he just found out about a week or so ago.
He is laying down on the surgery table not truly knowing if he will wake up.
His four young children and wife will sit in the waiting room for the longest six hours of their life to hear the news that has the power to change their lives forever.
And this my friends, is why my heart is so sad.

Have you ever just stopped and really {we’re talking really} thought
“How would I live my life differently if I knew it was possibly going to be my last day on Earth?”
It is one thing to playfully think of ideas and things you would do when seeing the phrase “live everyday as your last”. But what if it wasn’t just a quote that made you think of how you want to skydive, drink eight margaritas in an hour, or go get that tattoo you have been longing for?
Like you geniunely knew in the bottom of your heart, mind, and soul that today, this day, could really be your last? How would express the love you have for others more deeply and genuinely? Who would you forgive? How would you show gratitude to the ones that you are so thankful for?
Would you spend the day laughing or crying?

These are the things that this man is facing.

I can’t even write how my heart feels at this momemt. I sit here and I weep. Like ugly, heartfelt, sobbing tears thinking of this thought. It tears me up inside to put myself in his situation.

How do you let go of a hug that you are giving your children and wife before you go into the operating room? I mean really. How? What do you say in that moment? How do you show to your family that you are strong when you are scared as Hell on the inside?

Friends, I am scared. I am sad. And I am full of confusion. I will never understand why bad things happen to good people. I don’t think we are supposed to understand. The answer is on the other side.

With all of that being said, I have hope for this man and I have a good Lord watching over him.

Please if you have a minute, just say a little prayer that he will wake up. That everything will be normal again. And that he will get to hug and kiss his little ones and wife for not just days, but years to come.

Go live today with more love, vigor, and passion than ever before. And be kind to others.
You have no idea what they may be going through.

Love you all so so so much.


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