It has been somewhere in the neighborhood of two years since I’ve written my last Awkward and Awesome Thursday post and here I am, 11:30 pm on Wednesday night with a random hankering to write one. I have no clue what’s gotten into me other than Starburst and coffee and well, a lot of awkward moments just from the past week alone. Sometimes I think “is this really my life” and then immediately after thinking said thought, fall up the stairs in front of another human and confirm, yes, yes it is. That happened today and the guy said “Oh no! Can I get somebody to help you?!” This means that another person asked me if I needed help walking today. Things are going well in life. Anyhow, let’s get started.
- Showing up to a Halloween party wearing this…with children in attendance. The first encounter happened with my niece who quickly looked at Shawn and me, gave a weird smirk and then proceeded to walk away rather swiftly. The second encounter happened with a sharp young teenager who asked Shawn “what are you?” to which he quickly replied that he was a lamp and his head is the lightbulb which caused her to look at him slightly confused. I then walk up to catch the tail end of their innocent conversation, she looks at me and says “Oh, I get it now” and quickly walked away. The amount of shame that threw up all over me in that moment was well, it was a lot. Although, I don’t know what’s more awkward, this or point number two…
- Not having the crotch in several pairs of my pants recently. It’s called puppies. But it’s also called “I don’t realize this until we are minutes away from our destination” ie: above Halloween party. Yes, there were more holes in that electrical outlet than what you can see. We are now on 3 pairs of pants that I’ve put on and then sometime [typically hours later] realize “Oh that’s funny, there’s nothing down there.” Give those dogs a bone or something.
- Being asked recently to be a model in an ad for a massage therapy business demonstrating how their new candles work. Curious how they work, are you? Let me tell you. You burn them and then pour the wax on the person you’re massaging. Guys, it’s fine. It’s a paid gig AND I would get to learn massage techniques with the male partner of their choice. Mom and dad, don’t worry, I said no. I think there’s another word for this type of gig and I’m pretty sure it starts with “p” and ends with “orn”. However, this leads me to my next awkward moment of last week.
- My two-year-old nephew is obsessed with TV remotes. This past weekend when they were over he did what his remote loving heart always does and found our remotes and started clicking away. Well, apparently he made his way to the Pay Per View section and proceeded to complete the purchase without us realizing what was happening. Long story short, we are now the proud owners of “Hot Young Nymphos” courtesy of him. Remind me to remove all TVs before we have children.
- Having the UPS driver walk up to our front door to deliver yet another package and on his way up, make eye contact with me through the window as I’m standing in the kitchen taking a mirror selfie of that day’s outfit. Life is weird. I answered the door and pretended to be a normal human that would NEVER a) have a mirror in my kitchen b) take outfit pictures in it. I don’t think he bought any of it.
- Posting a picture of me with lip gloss and people mistaking it for a pregnancy test. “When’s the baby due?” was one of the questions I received. I didn’t do myself any favors by then wearing pajamas on Instagram stories with the verbiage “baby it’s warm inside” which offered itself up for another round of congrat ulatory statements. No baby here, just the plug. #halloweenjoke.
- Starting a weight loss challenge on the same day as eating insane amounts of chips and queso. Spoiler alert: I’m not winning.
- Eating an insane amount of chips and queso.
- I am hours away from my annual clothing sale that takes place here locally which means I am hours away from being fifty pounds [that’s an estimated number] of crap lighter. I am a hoarder in every sense of the imagination until I reach that point and BAM. I want it all out and immediately. It’s similar to that point you reach when you find yourself in the dressing room at Kohl’s with mirrors surrounding your naked self and you find yourself almost screaming “WHY? WHY DID YOU EAT THOSE CHIPS AND QUESO TODAY?!” Their dressing rooms will always be the darkest moments of my life. ANYHOW.
- Planners. Like the kind that you write in to keep track of your schedule, to-do lists, reminders on how to not get an ulcer and basically just how to keep living at a 30% productive pace [where that other 70% disappears to every day will always be my biggest question of all-time]. The best part of ending a year is knowing a fresh planner is about to hit my hands. I hope I’m always this cool. 2018, my pen is ready for you.
- Only having ONE trick-or-treater show up to your house on Halloween. Typed as I sit here eating a giant bag of Starburst that I now have all to myself. Mwahahahahahahaha.
- Puppy cuddles. Sure, they know how to eat the heck out of crotches on pants but they also know how to cuddle every morning in bed and gosh, it kills me. It also makes me not get out of bed for a good twenty minutes later than I used to so there’s that. #worthit #letthembelittle #stopgrowingupsofast #wheredidthetimego #proudmama
- Writing a blog post for the heck of it. Hi blog, I like you.
- Going to sleep. When has anybody ever said “Sleep? Nah.” Exactly. Goodnight.